Learning "Emmanuel"

What if our view of God became less about Him answering our prayers, and more about His presence? What if 'confession' was not just about when we do something wrong, rather a daily attitude of confessing our need for communion with God?

This last year and a half or so has been trying, and at times, completely overwhelming. There are a few reasons for the difficulty of this last season, but two primary ones. Both have dealt with loss and grieving something that either was or was hoped for. The deepest wound was losing three pregnancies. 

Throughout hardships in life, it seems we often ask ourselves, "why?" How could this happen? How could a loving God let this happen? We do our best to answer with whatever feels good at the time. We try to convince ourselves that all things happen for a reason, or we had to go through this to get to something else, or even that we are being punished because of bad karma or something. But I wonder if we're asking the wrong questions, and therefore giving the wrong answers. 

This year, and actually for quite some time now, I have been learning the truth of "Emmanuel" ... God with us. I am learning that surrendering our hopes, fears, dreams, and worries to God is not in order to receive anything except for His continued presence. This can be difficult at first, but then so freeing.

Here's what I mean... I think it is easy for our cultural conditioning to hinder our view of God. We are accustomed to instant gratification, punishment and reward, worshipping independence, and revenge. Therefore, it can be easy to think that if God is not seeming to answer our prayers, we either must've done something to deserve it, or He is not truly good. 

My learning of Emmanuel has shifted my relationship with God in a way that has allowed me to feel grief and joy simultaneously, learn how to let go of control, and remember that independence is not truly a way of living well.

Throughout this last year or so, it has been amazing to me that at times when I felt such deep hurt or sadness, and honestly lonely at other times, I was aware of and comforted by the presence of God. By allowing Him to simply be WITH me, and not DO something to change my situation, it gave me freedom to fully experience the emotions of my grief, while also holding on to hope for the future. I do not in any way mean that if we are aware that God is with us, prayer then becomes irrelevant. It's quite the opposite in fact. I think instead our view of prayer changes. I've learned to continue to pray for my heart's deepest hopes and desires, but I've also let go of attaching the outcome to my own or God's 'goodness.' (Yes there are consequences for our actions, and we have to humbly accept that whatever we do affects ourselves and those around us-- I am referring to situations that we cannot control or circumstances we find ourselves in that are just a result of a world where sickness, brokenness, loss and hurt are part of life.)

It is easy to equate God's goodness with our happiness, but I think we are missing the mark. God does not promise 'happiness,' but He does promise to be near. He promises a hope for the future. He promises His love and His presence. And then sometimes, those promises not only bring happiness, but immense joy. 

Fast forward to tonight. As I sit and write these words, I am interrupted by a gentle kicking and moving in my belly. This 20 week old baby is moving and growing and has already completely captured my heart and my love. We've just enjoyed a home made dinner and my husband is cleaning the kitchen, clanking dishes and listening to his audio book. Peace fills our home, and joy has flooded our hearts. Our scars have started to heal, and our eyes have dried. We are aware that nothing is guaranteed, and things can go wrong, but this time our joy outweighs our fears. We remind ourselves that fear is a liar and when given too much power, it can completely shatter our present reality. We are learning to live each day a little slower and more aware of God's presence in our lives. We believe this sweet baby is a gift from God, but we do not believe that our lost babies were a punishment. We will continue to do the things that we know are wise for the health of this baby (eating healthy, etc) but we also trust that God is still mysterious and ultimately the Creator of life. We trust in His miracles.

So if God is simply with us, not always expected to change our situation, what does that mean for us? I think it is indeed good news. If our example is Jesus, the flesh of God, then we look to Him. Jesus was with people; eating, teaching, healing, and building relationships. I think our call as Christ-followers is simply to be WITH others. We cannot always heal someone's pain, keep someone from making damaging decisions, or change someone's situation. We can, however, say "I am with you," and then not only say it, but truly be WITH people. Sharing meals... Teaching... Engaging... Building relationship... Helping... Listening... Comforting... Laughing... Weeping... Dancing... Mourning... Celebrating... 

I cannot describe the gratitude I am filled with to be in a season of celebration. The anticipation of this baby is unlike any joy I have yet experienced. Yes pain in this life still exists, yes there are still hurts and scars in other aspects of my life, yes I still face fear and anxiety and have to choose daily to not let those emotions control my thoughts or life, BUT this is a season for celebrating! This is a time for JOY. I am so very thankful that no matter the season, God is with me (and you), and I am learning to be with others in the same way. 

And lastly.... thank you. So many of you. Thank you for being WITH Hunter and I through these trials. Thank you for praying for and with us. Thank you for sharing meals with us. Thank you for sharing laughter and tears. Thank you for sharing your stories. And to those who are in a season of waiting, of loss, or of grief, God is with you. Truly with you; hurting alongside you. He may not change your situation right now, but you are not alone. You are seen, and you are loved. May you experience Emmanuel.