Changing Leaves, Changing Lifestyles, and Combatting Shame

At some point we have all probably been shamed for something we ate or did not eat in our lives. This blog post is not meant to shame, blame, or induce guilt, although maybe we can learn to use guilt to help us. I hope to help us combat these very feelings and look into where they may come up for us.

First, I think it's important to differentiate between guilt and shame. Here's what Dr. Brene Brown has to say about the two: "I’m just going to say it: I’m pro-guilt. Guilt is good. Guilt helps us stay on track because it’s about our behavior. It occurs when we compare something we’ve done – or failed to do – with our personal values... Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough. Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change."

The holidays can bring up all kinds of feelings for us; joy, unity, sadness, grief, excitement, struggle, and so much more. It is important over these next couple months to take time to slow down. Breathe. Sleep. Enjoy. Check in with your heart and understand what you may be feeling and why. If this time of year brings up joy, celebrate! If instead this season brings up grief, that's okay too. Take time to sit in the grief, and even let someone safe into your sadness to sit with you. Vulnerability is the only way we can truly move through grief and not become paralyzed or bitter.

The topic of Food or Health, especially during food-centered holidays, can often bring up yucky feelings. This is why it can be so tricky to have conversations about health and wellness. We bring our own shame, memories, and opinions into this conversation, which is truthfully how we all look at anything, and then we forget that we are not bound by our past. We feel shameful if we eat 'too much' or 'not enough' or if we choose the healthy option or if we choose pie. It often seems we can't win! So how do we combat these feelings?

I think we can learn from guilt, and learn to cut out shame. Dr. Brown also says this; "If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive." If food brings up significant shame, find someone who is SAFE to share your story with; maybe a counselor, friend, or someone else who is enough removed from the situation to have a clear head. Guilt on the other hand, can be our friend. For example, if we know that too much sugar will result in a sleepless night, crashing in the afternoon, or feeling a sugar-hangover the next day, listen to that! It's okay to say no. In the same way, allow yourself grace and if you want some pie, have some pie! Balance and moderation are our friends. There is no reason to live with constant restriction or guilt around food, but at the same time, it is absolutely necessary to take care of yourself; for your own sake and for the sake of others around you. People who have healthy bodies also have much healthier minds and hearts. Our mood, emotions, and actions are greatly affected by what's happening inside of our body, so what we put into our bodies matters.

There can be this weird kind of reverse guilt on the holidays that we are supposed to indulge or stuff ourselves until our pants don't button. But here's the truth: if you are feeling that pressure from someone else, it is probably coming from their own insecurities around food. This can be a powerful time to humbly and gently choose differently so that you may serve yourself better, and in turn maybe be an example to others. If you find yourself on the other end of the spectrum, as in you are the one who accidentally or purposely guilts others for not gorging on the holidays, take some time to sit with why you may be doing that. Be gracious with yourself no matter where you may be.

So, what can we do to avoid that yo-yo holiday style of diet then gorge, or stuff then cleanse?? Here are some helpful hints:

1. Stay hydrated! We often mistake the feeling of thirst for hunger. Feeling hungry? Have a glass of water first, and then you can better interpret what your body is needing. (Soda, regular or diet, is your enemy. It's the cancerous, silent killer. Stay hydrated with water.)

2. Offer to bring a dish or dessert to whatever party you're attending! If you're avoiding gluten, bring a gluten-free dish. If you're wanting to keep your blood sugar from spiking and dropping, bring a delicious, real-food, dessert that is made without heaps of sugar! (There are many delicious recipes that don't have tons of added sugar! For example- check out my cobbler recipe!) This way you will at least have an option that you feel good about eating!

3. Eat breakfast! If you're going to a family gathering at noon, don't run yourself so ragged that morning that you forgot to eat breakfast! If you show up at noon starving, you're much more likely to make eating choices that you wouldn't had you eaten breakfast. (A great option for breakfast would be something with protein, healthy fat, and always veggies!) 

4. Be aware of your tendencies, fears, shame, and habits. If the yo-yo diet has been your life, try something new. Try viewing healthy eating as a way of living, not a way of losing weight. IF restricting yourself has been your life, try something new. Listen to your body to see what you're really needing, and even wanting is okay too. Wellness is about all the time, and all of you; mind, body and spirit. Wellness is the whole being. Health is not about a diet. Health is about lifestyle. Healthy choices matter for every part of us; the food we eat, the water we drink, the relationships we have, how we feel about our jobs, if we make time for our passions, how we rest, when we sleep, what we watch or listen to, physical activity, and even down to the tiny daily decisions we make about how to spend our time. And when it comes to exercising, do something that's fun! Physical activity has much greater benefits if you actually do it! ;) And you're more likely to do it if you like it! This all matters equally. If we eat all the greens in the world, but come home to a love-deficiency, we will not be healthy. In the same way, if we have a great career and amazing relationships but we eat and drink like crap, we will not be healthy, and the rest of your life will start to suffer due to lack of caring for the body. We want to spend more time living, even at the end of our life, than dying. 

5. Lastly, enjoy and engage! We are less likely to abuse ourselves when we allow ourselves to be enveloped in joyful community. Celebrate with each other. Have fun. Hug each other! So many of us are walking around with empty love tanks from not being hugged or embraced enough. Healthy, appropriate, physical touch is important for our health! If we live life with open arms, we are able to engage and be filled, while also filling others. If we live with crossed arms, closed hearts, and secrets, we will never feel a sense of belonging because we are not letting others in to truly know us. 

So for this holiday season, may you know and be known. May you eat and be merry. May you remember to take care of your body, your family's bodies, and view health as a whole life goal, not a fad or diet. May you be filled with joy. If you are grieving, may you allow someone to sit and grieve with you. And may you love and be loved.